I did a thing. A few summers ago – I got brave and for my birthday, I sent a FB message to a person I’d always had a crush on. No response. Upon investigation, it looked like the message was sent but never delivered. A small chance  existed that they just hadn’t seen it, so today, I got tired of that uncertainty lingering in my subconscious. I decided to send the message through a different platform that I knew would reliably show up. Then I would know they should have at least seen it. Now, I don’t have to wonder. They’ll either respond or ignore me, but I won’t need to hover in that vague space of did I even put my wish into the universe.

I feel like I have been in that vague space in my general life for a few years now. Realistically, I can go back to my dad’s death and struggling with a loved one’s relationship with alcohol as the stumbling blocks that created my inertia. Then again, it took a lot to get out of the grief and the dysfunction so, maybe inertia wasn’t what was really going on. I’m sure it was growth – but it was just so dang slow. At times, I felt like I wasn’t moving at all. I felt stuck and the overwhelm from those situations allowed me to stay blind to the fact that I was increasingly unhappy at work. I didn’t want to see that and I didn’t want to change because, my god, the rest of my life had been enough, right? I was sitting in that in between space of not knowing. I didn’t want to take definitive action, but I didn’t want to sit still.

The universe had other ideas, though. There’s a saying that when God needs you to move and you don’t do it – he makes it impossible for you to stay. In my career, I became increasingly frustrated with the never-ending changes, the workload, the lack of what up until that point had felt like a people first, compassionate environment. The weight of the repetition of the work and the implementation of constant new initiatives became heavier and heavier. I was trying to imagine myself growing in that space for the next 15 years and it wasn’t happening. It was February when I finally heard God clearly. Girl, you gotta go. It’s time.

As with most things in my life – once the decision had been made – I was lucky enough to see the strands of connection and loving coincidence through which God moves and reveals. He pushed me through an old high school friend towards a job opportunity that I wasn’t convinced I should apply for. It was through that process of struggling and deciding, and then wrestling with my worth, that I embarked on the next path. I eventually came to see my competence, my value, and how this new job would be a really good fit for me, while exposing me to inspiring leaders who would challenge me to grow. 

There is a lot that I look forward to as I embrace a new beginning and community starting this month. I am looking forward to a genuine experience where I can be myself and serve others in their faith, joys, and challenges. I look forward to creating inspiring experiences and in being confident and recognizing my value and competence as befits someone with my background and skills. 

And, I hope that as I do that in my work environment, that confidence will spill into my personal life that hasn’t quite made it out of that non-committal, stuck space. That area is still tender. I look forward to knowing I am a beautiful person with dignity, worth, so many qualities that people love. I look forward to choosing someone worthy of me, and letting go of situations that I know aren’t right just because they seem good enough. I will allow others to fully connect. Now it’s time to really open up.

So whether I get a text or a message back from the person I tried to contact just one more time…I guess what really matters it that I moved myself out of that limbo. I’m not staying in that stuck place where I daydream, ignore and tread water. There are people and places out there that I need to let in. People and communities that will value me for myself. I’m ready. It’s my next move. Girl, you gotta go!