Ready For Love: Week two introduces Ben!

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Attention: Ready for Love has been canceled and will be replaced by Grimm starting April 30.

Part Two: Ben Patton

Thirty-one year old Ben Patton from Dallas is the final bachelor who is ready for love. He comes from a family of doctors but spent time on Wall Street and managed funds for the royal family of Dubai. Today he works in healthcare as the CEO of a hospital. For all purposes he seems to be quite a catch. Add to that the emotional pull that a viewer is sure to feel when he mentions his parent’s divorce when he was seven and how being a good dad is important to him, there are sure to be hearts broken at the end of this experience. He’s sweet and family oriented but, truth be told, a little goofy.

Matchmaker Amber thinks Ben needs a level of sophistication from a partner so she picks Lynsee Gonzales from Portland, Tarryn Franco from San Francisco, Seneca Berniard from LA, and Kari Krakowski, Ben’s ex-girlfriend from Texas, with whom he apparently had an “explosive break-up”. However Amber believes they have both evolved and deserve a second chance.

Ben keeps Lynsee who talks of traveling and being an international model, but also mention her biology degree. He also keeps Tarryn, a confident, successful woman who works for private jet comapany. His final pick is the old girlfriend Kari who says he was the one that got away. Too bad he let Seneca go. With an MBA and a JD she was pretty impressive, but she should have known not to give them a couple name or to say her age (34). In the long run, I think he’ll be sad he let her go and kept the ex that said she couldn’t stand watching every girl in a America sees what kind of guy he was.

Tracy thinks Ben doesn’t need a “wonderwoman”. She thinks he needs his vulnerable 12 year-old boy self to meet someone he connects with. She chooses Angela Zatopek, a communications executive from Houston who is saving herself for marriage, and Katie Coyle from Iowa who’s been married before and wants the fairytale. She has two kids but isn’t looking for a father, but a role model for them. He keeps them both! Tracy’s other two choices are Renae Verata from Houston, a Texan with a tomboy spirit who gave a little extra by stripping down to her slip and Kristina Zapata from Columbia who spoke of her passion and love of family. He keeps Renae, but should have kept Kristina.

Matchmaker Matt picks women that he thinks fit Ben’s needs not wants. Possibly a dangerous strategy, but Beth Richman from Charlotte, NC (his first choice) is adorable and tells him she quit her job just to take a chance on him. According to Matt, Rachel Briese from Illinois has a geeky, nerdy side that Matt has too. Her superhero outfit and personality created just for him win him over. The final decision is between Jade Dhir from Austin who made a save the date card for their wedding (ahhhhh – seriously?) and Allie Wagner from Ohio who challenges him to a lightning round of questions to which he answers, yes, yes, yes. He obviously picks Allie, whose twin is dating Ernesto!

The Group Date:
Ben says he’s an active guy and he wants someone comfortable getting sweaty around him. They’re doing a mud run, an obstacle course where they all get covered with dirt. Everyone does well and they head to lunch. He does mention how awkward it is to have his ex on the date and some of the girls talk about Kari like she’s not there. The first girl he asks to talk to is Renae because she “killed” the course. He calls her hot and wonders why she’s still single? They have decent chemistry.

He continues to talk to the girls one on one, but when Angela’s explaining her vulnerability advice from Tracy, he’s distracted by Kari who is “waiting” off to the side. He doesn’t like feeling like he needs to go to her (which is exactly what Amber told her not to do!). They talk and he says he was so hurt that she called things off. She says it was important for her to be there and if he’s into her she wants him to express it, if not let her go. They hug as the girls watch. He’s having a hard time because he has good memories and would like to go back – he’s scared of her hurting him again.

The Matchmaker’s Choices
Tracy picks Katie because she thinks they’ll like each other.
Matt picks Rachel He’s happy because he felt she was holding back.
Amber picks Tarryn because she’s excited to tell her story.

He’s happy with the matchmaker’s choice because wants to talk more with Katie. He wants to be with someone who takes motherhood seriously. They have a nice chemistry and he gives her a peck kiss. Katie feels she has to let him know soon though that she’s not “his” mother!

Rachel is different from the other girls. He connects with her sic-fi/fantasy side and likes that she’s interested in the same things he is. He feels like emotionally they’ve connected quickly and he kisses her for real! They both feel something.

It’s Tarryn’s birthday and he brings her a cake which they eat together. He asks again, how are you still single? She mentions she’s goal oriented and driven. He says he’s not intimidated and mentions the chemistry building between them. She asks him to kiss her, he says he’d love to, and it’s a whopper of a kiss.

The Matchmaker’s Critiques and Advice:
While the guys are in the man cave and can’t listen. Matt asks Rachel how she thinks she did. She says well. She feels they connected on an emotional level and there might have been a kiss. Matt asks how far she stepped out of her comfort zone. She says 110% but he doesn’t agree. He calls her a people pleaser and asks her to give more. Amber thinks Tarryn did well, and Tarryn says the birthday cake was her highlight and she doesn’t kiss and tell even with Amber’s prodding. Tracy says Angela didn’t follow through on actually being vulnerable, she just talked about being vulnerable.

Amber addresses Kari and gets on her for breaking down and crying because now Ben is confused and doesn’t feel free. Matt says the hug was for the other girls and Kari gets very defensive. Giuliana asks for an experiment. She asks Kari to close her eyes and for the girls to hold up their hands if they thought the hug was for them. All of them raise their hands and Kari opens her eyes to look. I’m not liking this girl’s entitled attitude! Katie questions Kari’s intentions and Kari turns it around on her. Amber breaks in and reminds the girls that she’s been a matchmaker for 17 years and she chose Kari and believes her heart is in the right place.

Elimination Picks:
Amber chooses Kari so they can have an answer as to whether or not he wants her there.
Matt chooses Rachel because he thinks she’s not a big enough puzzle for Ben in the long run, but he thinks she’ll be back.
Tracy picks Angela to make her vulnerable, to which Angela say OK in the hard, so not vulnerable voice that seems normal for her.

When Ben can save just one, he keeps Angela. This means either Rachel or Kari is going home. This is actually surprising because I thought he would keep Kari and Rachel. They head down to the garden in the pods and we get flashbacks of them both. Ben says he didn’t expect to have them there. Rachel tells him she felt a real chemistry and would never judge him. Kari doesn’t want him to feel pressured. She’s there to participate and wants to be known for the girl she is now. Ben pulls Kari aside and says they need to talk. He is pissed about their break up. He asks her to not make him break Rachel’s heart if she’s not there for the right reasons and can’t let him get to know the other girls.

He sends Rachel home because it’s just not there for him. Rachel says maybe she shouldn’t be so nice, but she’s not going to change who she is. She’s heartbroken and disappointed. To be honest, so am I. Kari might be good TV, but we’ve all seen relationships like theirs before…toxic stuff.

Ready for Love: Week two introduces Ernesto!

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Part One: Ernesto Arguello

First off, let me say I didn’t expect to fall for Ernesto Arguello, a Texan of Cuban and Nicaraguan descent who lives in Miama, as hard as I did while watching episode two. I kept thinking what an awesome Bachelor he would have made (Sorry NBC!). The man is philanthropic (He and his brother build houses for people in third world countries), handsome (even with a farmer’s tan), and charismatic. His sister and mother talk about him like he’s a god and describe him as loyal, AND he’s never said I love you to a woman. That last part could be a red flag, but watching him with his family and the ladies on their date, it seems like it’s more about his need to find someone real and sincere, as well as beautiful.

The matchmakers (Amber, Matthew, and Tracy) did well picking women that he would mesh with and the only girl I was sad to see go in the initial round was Elizabeth Cappella. The overall favorite seemed to be Alba Reyes (former Ms. Puerto Rica 2004) who broke out her Spanish and won him over. One girl he sent home actually brought a frog. They really speeded through the first round this time. I almost think they don’t need it.

The group date was building a house which was actually a lot more interesting than last episode’s concert and singing challenge with Tim Lopez. The girls were assigned various tasks and it was pretty easy to pick out a few he had chemistry with. He has some cute moments with some of the girls like when he was painting on Kristen Sikorski but the clip that stood out the most for me was the one with Shandi Finnessy and Alba. I think they both may go far!

The next step involved the matchmakers choosing one of their women for Ernesto to get one on one time with. Amber chooses Shandi (former Ms. USA 2004), Matt picks Mandy Wagner(whose twin Allie also makes it out of the first round with bachelor Ben), and Tracy picks Victoria Mora, a fiery, competitive chica who didn’t come off as well as she might have on the group date.

Of course, there is a hot tub waiting for Ernie (as his sister called him) and the three women – it’s a dating show. However, Victoria throws a curve ball when she refuses to disrobe saying she’s not comfortable with that. Ernesto says he respects that and she stays in her big white robe and throws attitude. After a while, he asks Shandi to jacuzzi where they discuss their mutual love of kids, the sacredness of wedding vows, and their faith. Looks like another notch in Shandi’s belt.

Matt’s advice to Mandi is to physically create a moment to remember. She does this by getting in the cold pool and then asking Ernesto for body heat. After this ploy they switch to hot tub where he tells her likes her attitude and feels they’re on the same page.

His time with Victoria doesn’t go well, although I don’t think she noticed. He told her he likes her confidence and attitude but that he feels she’s uncomfortable. She discusses boobs and butts hanging out (amazing the matchmakers don’t point this out considering the flack they gave Hailey for saying fart!). He again says “I respect that” as she continues to complain about the other girls.

As the one on one time ends he says he has concerns for the matchmakers!

In the group review the Matchmakers like that Shandi didn’t bring house drama to date and that Mandy took Matt’s advice, but Tracy gives Victoria heck for not holding back on her competitiveness and being self-centered. The matchmakers have a little conflict regarding Victoria’s refusal to disrobe and airing her feelings of awkwardness. Matthew says her behavior labeled her as “drama queen for life” in Ernesto’s mind.

They also bring up the conflict between Shandi and Olivia Matti, which we’re sure to see more of in the future. Shandi has the maturity edge and Tracy says a woman that can’t get along with other women will make a rotten partner.

For Elimination:
Tracy picks Victoria for all the reasons listed above.
Amber picks Erica for not bringing out her voice as she asked.
Matt picks Kristen because he sees a brother/sister vibe and he wants to see her get sexier.

Ernesto is diplomatic and loves everyone but likes the fun side and optimism of Kristen so she’s safe.

Erica and Victoria go to the pods to go the garden with Ernesto. We are dramatically reminded that only one will come back up while Ernesto does the sign of the cross on the way down! Ernesto is grateful they came and he admits to not knowing much about Erica. He tells Victoria that he admired her beliefs. She aks for his understanding because she was adjusting to the process and the women.

Theirs an awful moment when Erica says Victoria’s not there for the right reason and I seriously wish that he would send them both home at this point! He keeps Erica – not a shocker. Victoria looks like she could kill Erica! Like, she’s seriously scary. But she says it’s just not her, meaning the show.

Part Two: Bachelor Ben – coming soon!

Why “The Croods” made me appreciate my dad even more…

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First off, let me admit that I usually cry at animated movies. I have the distinct honor of probably being the only person to cry at the previews to Return of Neverland and Finding Nemo, but I digress, Yesterday, I went to see the Croods and my crying streak continued. If you’ve seen only seen the previews to the film you may wonder about my sanity. It looks freaking hilarious and it absolutely is. I laughed quite often. What I didn’t expect was to be so taken in by the story of a daughter and her father.

The character of Eep, voiced by the wonderful Emma Stone, struggles to come into her own in a family where her overprotective dad won’t let them out of the cave. The father, Grug (Nicholas Cage), tells stories where anyone that tries something new dies. His is a message of fear, born out of inexperience and love. Grug doesn’t want to keep his daughter from goodness, he just wants to protect her from everything!

It’s hard not to watch as a grown woman and see both sides. I can absolutely relate to the desire to follow the light, which Eep does both physically and metaphorically, but having loved children with my whole heart, I can also see the desire to protect them from hurt at any cost. Watching the journey (and it’s an actual journey) of Eep and Grug from the cave of darkness into a new world of understanding took me back to my journey with my father.

While we didn’t have as much conflict as Eep and Grug, we had our share of moments. It’s hard when you watch a movie, hear the words for which you judged your dad, and realize they just came out of your own mouth not an hour before. The empathy and compassion I felt for Rudy Ray Davis at how hard it must have been to love me and give me freedom brought tears to my eyes.

But those tears were nothing compared to the onslaught at the end of the movie (STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS).

As the family runs from the land that is crumbling behind them, they suddenly encounter a chasm that it too great for them all to cross. Grug, being a caveman and immensely strong, selflessly throws each member of the family across the divide, saving Eep (of course!) for last. She knows that once he throws her he won’t be able to come with them and the moment where she tells him she’s not ready to go, that she has too much to tell him, to fix…was where I first lost it. He responds in the way only a good father can. He tells her he knows, that he loves her, and he gives her a hug.

I am lucky enough to have a father who knows me, loves me, hugs me and forgives me.

At this point in the movie, I don’t think it can get worse, but oh, am I ever wrong. Grug tells her to blow her shell if she’s in trouble and throws her to the other side where they catch one last glimpse of each other before the cliff he is standing upon collapses. Of course, the family all believes he has perished and eventually they start blowing their shells as a way to honor him more than anything else. But Grug is alive and he hears the call.

His response is to immediately find a way to come to their rescue because he believes they are in danger. He concocts a crazy scheme that should never have worked and ends up by their side.

This is where I became absolutely verklempt. The selfless love, the willingness to face any danger, the ability to do what must be done because the people you love need you and are in trouble…I’ve only known one man in my life that could actually do what Grug did and I’m lucky enough to call him Dad.

So, thank you Rudy Davis for loving me despite my flaws, for protecting me even when I didn’t want you to, for forgiving me when I was an egotistical know it all brat, and for being the most loving, sacrificing, generous man in the world.

General Hospital Recap April 8-12: Returns make for classic soap drama!

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General Hospital is rockin’ 50 and this past week’s episodes were prime examples of why viewers are once again tuning into Port Charles.  Executive Producer Frank Valenti and Head Writer Ron Carlivati have done what no other show has had the nerve to do, return to their roots. What amazes me is that even as a new viewer (roughly three years now), I am absolutely loving the returns of veteran actors I never knew existed their first go on GH.  Too often shows bring people back and let them wallow with nothing to do because they’re afraid of ruining the past or the character, but not Frank and Ron.   

Monday’s episode started out with the resolution of Friday’s cliffhanger where Frisco Jones proposed to Felicia at the Nurses Ball (The absolute biggest and best return of all)! Even I, as a newbie fan, know that Frisco goes with Felicia, but Felicia chose Mac! And the story worked! We didn’t have to get Frisco and Felicia to get good drama.  Frisco then turned around and left his daughter Maxie to fend for herself after she was just starting to trust him again.  Great set up for Maxie to keep growing emotionally.  She’s always been a bit one note – Ron is growing her up! 

Other great returns this week? Stavros Cassadine! Never knew Robert Kelker-Kelly was even on GH, but when he showed up in the dining room and said “Hello Laura” I about keeled over from excitement.  Carlivati gave me just enough well placed background info through the conversations of other characters to keep up. (And as someone who reads spoilers and all I can about the show, this was one surprise they kept from everyone! Still hoping they’re keeping Blackie on ice, too!) 

Another fantastic moment, although not a return, was the reveal of Emme Rylan as Lulu Spencer Falconeri. Can’t wait for her to work with Dante.  Their chemistry will be off the charts.  I like him better with her already.  What really worked for this reveal was having Nikolas (can we say, “woohoo – find a way to keep him around”) explain how everything came about to Elizabeth and Alexis.  It made absolute sense that slighly crazy Stavros would have a thing for Lulu.  They even found a way to explain Helena switching Aiden’s paternity test (to give Stavros something to live for – an heir). 

The return of Brenda with Jax and the whole breaking off of the Jax/Brenda engagement helped last week’s shows succeed.  Food fight anyone? But who could have guessed the cat fighting that would ensue when Carly found Brenda in bed with Michael? These ladies clawing each other’s eyes out is the epitome of great soap drama! It made me uncomfortable, angry, excited, and kept me glued to my TV. My one complaint about Brenda and Michael is that it’s obvious nothing really happened between them and I really wish it had. It would have added so many more dimensions  and options to the Sonny/Carly/Jax/Brenda/Michael/AJ relationships. 

Speaking of AJ (another great returnee), how classic was his reaction to Michael sleeping with Brenda.  He could hardly contain his joy.  In fact, his joy was almost equal to Monica’s joy regarding his blossoming relationship with Liz.  Before Nikolas’ return, I was totally on board with a Liz/AJ (Quiz) pairing, and I still think they’re pretty adorable, but if you watched Friday’s episode where AJ saw Liz hugging Nikolas, it’s hard to deny the “Niz” chemistry. Wow.

 That’s about all I have to say about the week of April 8 – 12, 2013 in Port Charles.  What’s so awesome is that I know I’m leaving so much good stuff out! Tell me what you thought made this week amazing and whose returns are getting you psyched to keep watching!

NBC’s “Ready for Love” – To watch or not to watch?

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As nine o’clock Tuesday evening approaches, I’m faced with the choice of staying up after The Voice to watch Ready for Love or turning in early for some usually much needed shut eye. After watching episode one, I think I’m ready to give it a second look. I like the twist NBC decided to put on their new foray into the reality dating business. Using professional matchmakers to pick the women the men can choose from gives it a fresh feel, and the matchmakers themselves (Amber Kelleher-Andrews, Tracy McMillan, and Matthew Hussey) have loads of charisma. Bill and Giuliana Rancic, a happily married couple with reality TV cred, host the show that will feature three bachelors looking for love.

Tuesday night we met Tim Lopez, lead singer from the Plain White Tees (think “Hey There Delilah”), whose divorce from his high school sweetheart over her inability to deal with his music career has left him heartbroken but ready to love again. I’ll admit, from the previews I thought we’d meet all three bachelors that night, but they seem to be alternating hotties.

Each matchmaker picked four girls for Tim to choose from in a blind audition a`la The Voice.

Amber Kelleher-Andrews, a gorgeous and highly successful matchmaker who they showed with her perfect husband and children on horseback, seemed to pick the most real girls, especially Hailey Clark, a 31 year-old elementary school art teacher from Florida who caught Tim’s attention by quoting Dumb and Dumber. I was surprised he kept Siham Bengoua, but she won him over with her french accent and poetry. He also kept 30 year-old Sara Lavagnino. Sara won him over with her sincere and touching revelation that she had lost her fiance of three years to skin cancer. Tim connected with her sense of loss and we were on to round two with another four girls chosen by Matthew Hussey.

The three girls Tim kept from Matthew’s group included the surprise contestant, Leah Trogan, a 27 year-old make-up artist who had a “past” with Tim. At this point it seemed like maybe they had hooked up before, but she sold her story as an “I’ve never told him how I really feel” type story and he decided to keep her so… His other choices, 27 year-old Danielle Duff (divorced after nine and a half years of marriage – say whaaaat???) and 31-year-old Taonaya Fleury weren’t all that memorable.

Tracy McMillan might be my favorite matchmaker for her simple, brash style. She made some great picks, and Sarah Moore, a 28 year-old graduate student from North Carolina, could be a sleeper contender. She was joined by 25 year-old Christina Rigaud of New Orleans. A classically trained pianist, she’s also breathtakingly sexy with eyes that most women would die for. Tim’s final pick to round out his nine ladies was the cute, fun-loving, 23 year-old Jenna Reeves from Austen, Texas.

Next up: Date Night

Of course it wouldn’t be reality love without a group date, and Tim’s starts out just the way a rock star’s group date should. The nine ladies are treated to a performance from The Plain White Tees. After they are sufficiently dazed by his semi-celebrity, he has them show off some of their musical skills by creating and singing some lyrics. I have to say I didn’t really enjoy this segment. It was too polished. Most of the girls voices were better than average, and when they all just happened to hear Leah’s (previous hook-up girl) conversation with Tim because a mike was left on? Well, we got staged drama at its best.

Later each matchmaker chose someone for Tim to have one on one time with. Then, on the show, the girls are critiqued on their dating skills. My favorite as of now, Hailey Clark, went first. Hailey and Tim seemed to have genuine chemistry and their banter was so fun to watch. Matchmaker Amber later critiqued the fact that Hailey answered the dreaded “What’s your most embarrassing moment?” question in a way that included the word fart. Apparently you are never, ever supposed to use this word in front of a man. I don’t know what Amber was watching, but Tim loved Hailey’s honesty and humor.

Matthew sent him off with Danielle Duff who proceeded to let him know she had a “list” of 50 qualities she was looking for in a mate. She also mentioned she’d put the list out into the universe. She was appropriately critiqued regarding making Tim feel inadequate. If he has 25 of the qualities (which she said he did) then that meant he started out in the hole! Don’t look for Danielle to stick around long; their chemistry was less than sparkling.

Matchmaker Tracy chose the sexy Christian Rigaud for one on one time with Tim and she made her time count! Bonding over music, she worked her eyes to the best of her ability and it was obvious he fell for it. She’s not going anywhere soon.

The Final Act
To close the show, each matchmaker had to put up one of their three women and Tim had to send one girl home. Amber put up Hailey for the “fart” debacle. Matthew chose Leah (who didn’t answer when asked point blank by host Giuliana Rancic if she’d been intimate with Tim before) to see if Tim was serious about giving her a chance. Tracy picked Sarah Moore, the quiet, dark-haired girl who had apparently been too nice in defending Leah to the other girls. Again, the matchmakers think you have to be cut-throat to get a man.

To almost no one’s surprise, Tim sent Leah packing and kept Hailey and Sarah.

In short: Good, if slightly crazy and out of touch matchmakers, hot bachelors, and some really good women who actually have chemistry with Tim! I’ll be back.

http://www.nbc.com/ready-for-love/contestants/

If you were the author of your life story…

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If you were the author of your own life story what would it say? I have heard this question before and have played around with it some, but I recently watched a TED talk where Amy Purdy, a snowboarder who lost both legs to bacterial meningitis, subtly shifted the words around. As she began her talk she asked, “If you were the author of your own life story, where would it go from here?”

It was an aha moment, if you will. Rephrasing the question to focus on the rest of the story instead of the story from beginning to end was liberating and exactly what I needed to hear. From previous posts you may remember my belief in letting the past be the past, but in meditating on my story I frequently still get stuck trying to force the past to flow into the future.

I have been stuck thinking that all the background information needed to be clearly laid out and have meaning. I have been stuck trying to vision my life as a whole instead of a play in numerous acts. Some plays are chronological and the acts build upon one another, some move backwards instead of forward, and still some are festivals of one acts. Being able to vision my character in a new act, maybe even a whole new play without having to integrate past scenes in order to move forward was liberating to my imagination.

When I dream the woman I want to be in this string of one acts that may one day form a whole, or may just end up as a festival of different tales, I realize that she may have similarities with the women in the other acts but she can also be exactly who she wants to be in this moment. So, humor me as I describe this woman who wants to make the next act in my play come to life.

She believes in the dignity of the human person. The dignity of every human person from birth until death. The dignity of the small child, the disabled teen, the gay young man, the middle-aged woman of color, the aged white republican…we are all part of fabric of the universe. Every part of every one of us has been in existence since the beginning of time and is sacred.

She believes in love and forgiveness. Absolute love and forgiveness available to all – even those who don’t seek it. She believes each person has a right to love and be loved and that our societies and governments become agents of oppression when anything rooted in love or compassion is denied or villainized.

She believes in a force greater than us that we all are a part of and have access to through our intuition. She believes that every person has inside of them a compass that leads to true north. It gets buried and broken by trying to mold ourselves to the wishes of others or to the expectations of society, but it is there in our core. She believes that if we follow that compass we will end up on the path to synchronicity, where we are exactly who we need to be, in the place we need to be, at the right time we need to be there.

She believes magic exists in the world. Not the type of magic that entails writing spells or cursing people, but the kind of magic that comes from the ultimate act of creation. From bringing something out of nothing. The magic of a story being told, or a great work of art, a friendship being formed or the path of a destiny being laid.

She is a creator.

If the next act of my story starts today, I am creating. I am writing. I am making art. I am collaborating to find ways to let what I have to share influence and be a part of the universal experience of others.

If the next act of my story starts today, I am no longer placing limits on what I can and can’t do out of fear or complacency. If the next act of my story starts today I am no longer limiting my love and life according to the fear of what people think or say. I am supporting and loving the people who deserve love – all people – even the people who choose not to love back.

If my story begins today, I’m not worrying about what would happen if I became successful and I am open to embracing change. Why should I fear success? Success means living a life I choose rather than trading authenticity for security and comfort.

If I started my life today, I would still be loved and supported by every single person who is important to me. None of them base their love, support, or connection to me upon what I do or how financially successful I am. I am loved by these people for the compass that spins inside of me, for my actions and beliefs that flow from my true north. I am loved because I love, and starting my life today means choosing to love on an even greater level.

If you were the author of the book of your life, where would the story go from here?

The first time someone shows you who they are…

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It’s funny how true words of wisdom have an inherent malleability that allows them to grow with you through the years and apply to each new stage of your life. It’s always a surprise to me when I revisit a quote that profoundly affected my narrow but widening view of people and relationships, only to find that it now means something wholly different. In my late twenties this quote from Maya Angelou rocked my view of love. “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” In my late thirties it has suddenly done it again.

I was late to the love game. I was always a flirt with lots of dating options, but actual relationships eluded me. I couldn’t quite figure out the right balance of independence and allowing someone in. I think being overly independent led to me make some questionable choices in the men I fell “in love” with. I ended up angry with them for not being what I wanted when it wasn’t their fault. I heard this quote and the puzzle pieces fell into place. I was too scared to want someone who could really make me happy so I listened to my subconscious instead of the words and actions that they had always put out there. The realization was the lens through which I interpreted Maya Angelou’s words as a warning.

What happens though, if I look through the more mature and optimistic lens of my older, slightly more experienced soul? When I am honest and quiet the anxious chatter from my subconscious self, I can read those words from a radically different perspective. I see a warning, but it’s of a different kind.

This new perspective tells me that instead of being wary that someone I find to be patient and charming, honest and fair, interested and interesting might not be – I should believe that the person I experience is truly as they present themselves to be. After all, it wasn’t the fault of the men I chose in my youth, it was a problem with my listening skills. If my listening skills and self understanding have increased then perhaps, just as I have grown through my joys, mistakes, and bigger mistakes, the people I engage with have, too. Maybe I need to take those words, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”, and apply them to the positive relationships in my life.

I choose to believe that the person who shows me strength of character, who values honesty, who respects me and my opinions is indeed the person they are showing themselves to be. It is the ultimate act of trust and living in the present over the past.

Are we really chained to our past?

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There is a me that used to exist.  I can access her thoughts and feelings.  I can remember things she said and did.  What I can’t do is feel her influence in my choices any longer.  I’ve been mulling this post since June 2012, when over dinner with a friend, I proclaimed that I was not affected by the things that happened to me in my past.  What I meant? I have experienced some things that perhaps others would use to define themselves throughout their lifetime, but that I no longer think about, or consider relative to my present day identity.

The years I spent claiming her as my identity were many.  Viewing each new thing that happened to me through the lens of her experience was common. However, with the passing  years I used her lens less. 

Today I can explain to you why I saw things the way I did.  I can show you how my past self influenced many of my choices for good and for bad, but what I can’t do is say any of my current life decisions manifest from those actual events. They may manifest from values formed or personality traits honed in the years following said experiences, but not from the actual experiences in anyway.

 I understand when people say we are shaped by our past. The experiences of my 15 year-old self and the struggles for me to find meaning in what I went through and how I moved on and learned from them have changed me, but I am who I am in this present existence.  My body is made from completely new cells than the cells that made her body.  She only exists in the synaptic connections forged in my brain. 

I am no longer that person, nor do I wish to be. I can look at her objectively.  I can see her fears. I can feel compassion for her pain and understanding for all of her rash choices and mistakes, but I am done owning her mistakes.  There is no part of me beyond a memory that would think, act, or feel the same way that I did at that age or the years following. 

Some would say it’s delusional to think that I am a different person, but I wholeheartedly  believe people change everyday and choose who they are. I no longer look at her story and use it to explain why I do things or how I feel in the present.  It can explain some of my past, but the story stopped resonating for me long ago. I choose to be the woman I am today knowing that the woman I will be tomorrow may or may not use the lens of my current self in the future. And I feel free and really good with that.

The question for 2013: Does it have to?

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As 2013 approaches I find the question, “Does it have to?” popping into my head at a pretty steady frequency. The question doesn’t actually refer to the imminent arrival of a new year, but to each assumption I subconsciously make when thinking about my future. I notice that there are patterns to my expectations of what life will hold and that perhaps those patterns are limiting. The thing I love about the question is that I didn’t come up with it on purpose.  It organically popped into my head while watching a character on a favorite show struggle with what they believed to be an unavoidable outcome.  They stated “Now, this means…” and my immediate reaction was, “Does it have to?” Of course the answer to the question is no.  Our interpretation of life events, what different occurrences mean and where they take us is entirely up to each of us. 

For me the biggest assumption that I make every new year is that the year to come will in some way resemble the year that just passed.  I go into January expecting that I will continue in a job that makes me happy, live in my condo with my cats, hang out with some friends every now and then, and spend time with my family.  All of those things are awesome and bring me joy, but does 2013 have to look like 2012 to make me happy?  It would be easy to believe the fact that there’s nothing overtly wrong or challenging about my life situation means it should continue as is, but the question won’t stop badgering me. “Does it have to?”

In my work, does being good at what I do mean I have to continue to do what I do? In my relationships, does being content on my own mean I don’t pursue something new or that I couldn’t find some new level of happiness if I took a risk? In my home life, just because it’s good and easier to stay where I am, do I have to? Asking the question in regards to just those three areas opens up mind boggling possibilities to sincerely explore. I have been in a holding pattern with my career and relationships for a few years now.  It’s a pattern born from a strange cocktail of contentment and laziness.  The question “Does it have to?” pushes me to switch up my drink of choice. 

I find the question exciting.  For instance, continuing to teach while starting my Masters in Educational Technology could be overwhelming.  I could see it as something that will make my life harder and my schedule crazier, but does it have to? Don’t I have control over what I put into each area of my life? Can’t I choose to view each lesson as a joy filled experience of learning instead of a “to do” list to move me to the next stage? Another example: Does being ready to be in a relationship again mean I have to get set up, join an online dating site, or go out to more bars? Or can it mean that I intuitively listen to who I want to spend time chatting or talking with? Can it mean that I let go and just see who pops up in my life?

There’s a lot of freedom in the question, but there’s also an inherent responsibility that when denied could lead to a lack of decision-making or commitment to any one path.  Ultimately we do have to choose or we default into deciding by not deciding. Having been guilty of this quite often in the past, I feel aware enough of the consequences of indecision to avoid its recurrence in 2013.  As I make my way into the new year, I hope to examine my assumptions and self-limiting patterns in order find the meaning I am searching for in life. Good luck to you as you do the same.

Are You Faking Your Life?

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I’m always surprised by the height of drama that surrounds me.  People pledging revenge, crying like the world is ending, stressed out to the point that they make themselves sick.  I wonder sometimes what makes each human so different in their response to the trials and tribulations of daily life.  Why does one person lose the love of their life, pick themselves up and love again, when someone else sinks into a depression never to recover.  Did one person truly love more than the other? Is one person’s hell really that much hotter or painful than mine? Is it really individual differences that make us react like night and day or do cultural expectations brainwash some into thinking they’re entitled to be selfish, stage hogging, attention grabbers?

I guess I wonder if everyone around me is overly influenced by the visual entertainment of our time? I’m sure generations before ours dealt with revenge, depression, anxiety and fear…great literature proves this to be true, but was it as acceptable then as it is today to throw a fit? It almost feels to me like people think they’re starring in their own movies and the people that surround them are just extras put there to revolve around their story. If we couldn’t watch the sordid, crazy, unreal situations in the cathartic presence of others, would we be so easily influenced towards the melodramatic?  Does the fact that we’re having a communal experience that seems so real make us believe that it is reality?

I remember when a friend who suspected her fiancé of cheating told me before her wedding, “If I find out he’s cheating on me I will call his boss and he will lose his job.  His life will be over.”  There was more…it was a tirade but I don’t recall it all.  They’re now divorced, but I remember thinking, “Why are you marrying someone you obviously don’t love?” If she loved him, how could she so easily have ruined his life – even if he did hurt her? It became obvious watching their marriage that in the saga that she saw as her life, truly loving that person didn’t matter.  She was living out her own soap opera – and still is.

I wonder if people were left to truly gauge their own level of emotion without reference to media, would we have the level of violence, craziness, and drama that exists in our society? I’m sure there would still be women like my friend who would take their revenge to excess, but would there be as many?

Sometimes I feel like I’m walking around watching people fake their lives and I can’t help but think that’s really dangerous to the authentic human experience. What would I expect of a relationship if I hadn’t watched a zillion romantic comedies? Would I be so quick to diagnose myself and others with depression or as needing therapy if I hadn’t watched so many people in therapy on the silver screen? How do we know what we are really feeling when we follow a script?

I’m not just judging others, I’ve been there.  I’ve caught myself listening to words come out that I I didn’t think up.  I’ll catch phrases or moments that came from conversations I’ve observed in shows that I like or movies I’ve seen.  People always tell me I’d be a great counselor, but is that because they really feel like I can connect to them, or am I just good at sounding like the movie script they want their life to be?

When I went off script with my friend who wanted revenge on her fiancé it was totally ineffective.  There was no way she was going to see reason.  Was that because love and hate are so closely related or because she was experiencing pain and it was easier to handle it in a way that she’d observed and found fascinating than in the way her authentic self would have processed it?

I don’t have any answers.  I’m just truly hoping that by raising the questions I can up my own level of awareness and maybe that of some people around me.  Maybe the next time I catch myself about to go ballistic, I’ll put myself in check and examine my genuine feelings instead. I hope that I can.  I fear the day we can’t tell the difference anymore.

Leaving the “Waiting Place”

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I remember reading Oh the Places You’ll Go when I was seventeen, a graduation gift from a cherished first love complete with obligatory love letter of platitudes appropriate for the occasion. I skimmed it, quickly surmising  that said first love believed in me and I would definitely be going places in my life sooner rather than later. Looking back, I wish I had paid more attention to the twists in the road of life Dr. Seuss so aptly described. If I had, perhaps I wouldn’t have lingered as long as I did in the “waiting place”.

I think we’re fed a lot of bull as we grow up about what our lives should look like.  Some people wade through the manure easier than others.  An ailment from which I suffered that made it harder to get clarity was that of being a people pleaser.  I did a good job at faking independence and looking like I was making choices for myself but really, I went to work for the CHURCH after twelve years of Catholic school.  I was addicted to approval.

I guess I just thought that everything would fall into place and I’d be a teacher, get married, have kids and I don’t know what…that’s what all my friends were doing and I was sure that’s what everyone wanted me to do, too.  So I waited because, let’s face it – sometimes the waiting place isn’t that bad a place to hang.  I was never lonely. I was never bored.  But I was also never proactive when it came to really making my life what I wanted it to be.  I guess what I thought was “just happening” with my friends getting married and starting families was really them making choices in their lives.  And working and teaching religion was easy and fun, so I lived in the waiting place – stuck in a nice existence where I never made a choice because everything was good enough.

It wasn’t until I started writing a few years ago that I finally saw the path out of that waiting place.  It was illuminated by this creative urge that started blinking off and on.  At first it was more off than on.  Now it’s more on than off, but it’s still not as steady as I’d like.  I need it to shine bright enough that I can’t find my way back to the waiting place.  Writing woke me up and helped me say, “Wait, I never really knew if I wanted to get married or start a family and I never really wanted to teach religion my whole life.” So maybe I need to start choosing.

The actual choices I’ve made in the last few years have been full of risks I never would have taken in the waiting place.  Writing conferences, directing, performing, teaching marketing in addition to religion…they’ve all been steps away from that old molasses swamp.  I’m starting a Masters in Educational Technology in the spring and I’ve finished two books (although still haven’t made the choice to actively work towards publication).  I’ve worked on myself both inside and out.  I’m in a good place now and it’s one where I really can’t wait to see what MY future will hold. I’m leaving the waiting place behind.  Guess I should dig out that book and see what’s next!

Voices of Thanksgiving

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Thanks to a nasty cold, I’ve spent the last few days without my voice.  At first it was novel and somewhat entertaining, and while it hasn’t crossed into annoying or truly frustrating yet, it has given me pause to consider its worth in my life. It’s Thanksgiving morning and as I sit at my laptop contemplating what to give thanks for today, voices, not just my own fill my mind.

When we come into the world our voices are instruments we instinctively use as a means to have our needs filled. We give thanks for the strong wails of babies that keep us up at night and tear our hearts open in order to fill them with the insatiable need to care for the tiny body from which emanates the voice of a new soul. As they grow and change their voices produce giggles and squeals that delight and plant in us the seeds to stay with them on their journey.

The stumbles and mispronunciations of toddlerhood give way to the attempts at grown up conversations and connections as the purpose of our voice changes from meeting our own needs to connecting with others.  Voices produce “I wuv yous” and start to ask questions like the ever present “why”? Listening to a three year-old list off every person he knows when you ask him who he loves, or hearing a kindergartener’s attempts to be a little adult when she explains things to us about how things work or what her little brother wants forges a connection between generations.

As we enter our teen and young adult years our voice takes on an attitude and a confidence.  We begin to understand that this gift of a voice isn’t only there for our needs and connection but that it can change the world around us.  The leash of authority that perhaps quieted our voices is suddenly loosed and we say what we mean and what we want to become.  Our voices make mistakes and sometimes speak to soon during these years.  They can spray harsh words and then struggle to find apologies. But this is a transformational time for our voices.  We own them in these years.

As our voices age, they start to reflect our purpose.  They may take on the gentleness or fierce protectiveness of the voices that nurture us and welcome other voices into the world. Parental voices saturated with love and concern help us to feel a part of a family, they soothe us and give us the courage to get up each day. They discipline and encourage with thoughtfulness and care.  They fill hearts with unconditional love that envelops you whole with acceptance, making you feel like the most important person in the world.

We start to appreciate the voices in our lives that inspire us and help us be more than we thought we could be.  The voices that offer confidence, encouragement and solace and those that show patience and never give in to the mean side become the voices we seek out. There are voices that always believe in dreams and ask to help and some that show vulnerability and strength as they teach us to keep going, keep trying, keep reaching, and never give up.

Later in life our voices begin to tell stories. Stories that help us make sense of our lives and stories that connect us to our past and our future.  We become voices that connect generations to memories and people of the past. We create links to the voices that are no longer with us and help others feel like they knew people they never met.  Eventually we all become voices that are only heard in the hearts of those we loved, but for those of us with faith, we believe our voices will all be united again someday.

Today I am thankful for the voices that surround me and for my own voice, quiet as it may be at the moment. I choose to raise it in Thanksgiving for my home, enough food, the country I am blessed to live in and those who serve and protect it.  I hope that those who go without will have their lives filled with voices of hope and that we may all find the strength to let our voices reflect true good.

A night with Theresa Caputo

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For an early Christmas present, Tuesday evening I took my mom to see the Long Island Medium.  If you’re unfamiliar with this New York dynamo named Theresa Caputo, she’s a mid-forties married mother of two that talks to the dead.  Having recently passed the threshold where more people know her than not, she is touring the country giving group (really large group) readings.

Long Island Medium is an addictive guilty pleasure.  I love watching it every Sunday, mostly for the cathartic cry that, for me, happens every show. Since I have a tendency towards believing in the supernatural anyway, it’s not hard for me to totally believe in Theresa and her abilities.  She’s not a psychic and she’s not trying to read the future, she’s a medium and she’s bringing messages of comfort and healing.

Seeing her in person after watching her show was like being in the room with an old friend.  She is vibrant and familiar.  She races around in her sparkly unbelievably high heels reading people in the audience with her familiar vocabulary (validate, anyone?) and infectious laugh.  I think my mom really wanted a reading but with more than 1,000 people in attendance we both knew that was a long shot.

When she explained that what we were all going to get was an experience, and that we would all hear what we needed to hear even if we didn’t get read, I’ll admit I was a little skeptical.  But as she moved through the crowd telling people that their loved ones were OK and sharing things with them that not even the most talented “cold reader” could know, it did become an experience for me that I won’t soon forget.

As Theresa shared messages with a young couple who had to take their three-month old daughter off life support after a tragedy, I watched the tension and disbelief drain from the face of the young father who had been coerced into attending.  Smiles and tears replaced his anxiety as he learned their daughter still knew of the things in their lives and that she loved them. When she spoke to two sisters about messages from their sister, mother, and father, she gave them a way to move forward together knowing they had their family with them in spirit, if not physically present.

Perhaps the most moving moment of the evening for me was when Theresa spoke with a twelve year-old boy and his mother.  The crowd was somewhat taken aback when at first he seemed to be giving her attitude.  She’d ask a question, he’d get lippy, she’d walk away, but she’d come back again. Each time with the puzzled look she gets on her face when she’s listening to “Spirit”.  The third time she returned she read for him.  Tears came to my eyes when his façade of toughness and anger disappeared as she said his dad was there.

She asked if his dad called him the miracle child (he did).  She told him his dad was there with him through all of his visits to the hospital and he wanted him to know how strong he was and to keep fighting.  His dad thought he had lost some of his fight after he passed on.  As it turned out, that child suffered from cystic fibrosis and had been really angry with his father for leaving him alone.  Adding details to their conversation that no one else could have known, she eased his pain and gave him the gift of believing his father would always be with him.  She ended with a gift of generosity no one expected.  She offered to bring him to New York via her fan club to spend the day with her.

At the end of the evening I left the Palace Theatre with two realizations. I believe Theresa is the real deal, but even if she’s not, I’m not sure it matters.  What she gives people isn’t a false hope in the future.  She’s not taking advantage of their grief.  She is giving messages of healing, hope, and love.  People feel better after they talk with her.  You can watch years of tension leave their shoulders and faces. The other realization was about myself.

I am blessed. True, I have lost people in my life that I have cared about – some under tragic circumstances, but as I watched these people experience forgiveness of self and peace in their souls, I knew that I was already in a good place.  It would have been wonderful to talk to the mother of my God-children, but I know she sees how I love them.  It would have been amazing to hear the code word my pawpa and mom shared said aloud, but I know he’s with us anyway.  I walked away knowing that I didn’t need messages from the other side to know that the people I loved still love me and watch over me. What an awesome gift.

Wishes

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The penny flew from his hand and he scrunched his big brown eyes tight. Small lips mouthed words I couldn’t hear; secrets that filled his mind.  I envied his concentration, but more than that, I envied his belief.  We went to the mall to throw pennies in the fountain.  When we talked in the car I asked him what he’d wished for last week.  “To be the richest man in the world,” he said. “It didn’t come true.”  I told him it was still possible and he shook his head and nodded, “Yeah, that’s true.”

Sitting by the side of the fountain, I gave him five pennies and waited patiently for his wishes to form.  With each passing moment, I reminded myself that there was no more than now, nowhere else to be, nothing more important to be doing.  What could be more valuable than wishing? I held two pennies in my own hand.  I thought of how often I’d hastily thrown pennies in the fountain since growing up.

As a child I was like him. I believed. I wished.  Somewhere along the journey, the pennies became symbols of dreams that just didn’t come true.  Along the path, wishes changed from thoughts on which to concentrate as I pulled them from the depths of my soul, to bland, general desires.  I wished to win the lottery.  I wished to fall in love.  I stared in horror at the splashes that followed my two pennies into the water.

I wasted my wishes again.  I watched a beautiful seven year-old boy show me exactly what wishing should look like.  I formulated the thought in my head that my present moment was precious and magical. And yet, habit took over and the pennies launched by routine, thoughtless requests hitchhiking a ride.  I guess it took more than realization to change something  engrained in my actions for so long.

Like most adults, I like to think I live in reality.  I like to think that I’m logical and smart enough to know that there are some things I won’t accomplish or get in my life and that’s OK.  Today at the fountain I caught a glimpse of the wisher inside of me.  For a fleeting moment, before I thought about what a realistic wish would be, I wondered what I would ask for if I had five wishes I KNEW would come true.  After all, that’s exactly what Ben had.  In his perfect, trusting mind he took his time because his wishes were reality.  He only had five so he had to make them good.  In my cynical aged brain, I could have wished from here to eternity with no guaranteed results.

Except…except for the fact that one of my wishes came true.  I didn’t (sorry to say) win the lottery, and I didn’t fall in love, but before my conscious mind called out for love and money, my subconscious called out to be more like Ben.  I wanted to know what my real wishes would be. Eight hours later as he laid in his bed, probably dreaming of those wishes he held so dear, I sat in the hallway, laptop in hand, and searched.  My eyes weren’t tightly closed and my lips weren’t moving, but the wish came true anyway as my fingers flew across the keypad.  I wished to write.

Best Season Ever? Emily Picks Jef!

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What a fantastic season.  I look back at how I thought Emily might be dull or fake and I’m so happy I was wrong.  In one of my first blogs regarding Emily’s season I said that I thought she had the potential to be the best Bachelorette ever. I’m not willing to put her above Trista Sutter at this point but I think she’s on equal ground.  I think this may be the first season since Trista and Ryan where I one hundred percent like both parts of the couple.  Oh, I’m sorry – in case you didn’t watch – Emily picked Jef!

The fact that I could just have easily put Arie’s name in that last sentence and felt the same way just goes to show that, finally, creator Mike Fleiss and his crew got it exactly right.  My only fear is that they will take the wrong lessons from their success.  Emily didn’t succeed because she was a beloved past contestant.  I hope they learned from Ben F. that you CANNOT rely on America’s love of the 2nd or 3rd place contestant to have a successful season.   Instead, you must focus on whether that person has real presence on camera and truly is looking for marriage and true love.

The night started with the family visits which were almost exactly the same for both men, with Emily’s family unable or unwilling to help her choose.  Jef was smooth and genuine and Arie babbled like a baby (adorable if not suave).  Emily’s family is strange.  Her mom reminded me of Arie’s mom, her dad was sweet but quiet.  Her brother came off a little scary psycho but chilled out a little the more he spoke with the guys.  Both guys asked for the blessing to propose and got it!

Emily didn’t think she was going to introduce anyone to Ricki but after talking with Jef on date day she decides she’ll take him.  The best part of watching this decision-making process was the discussion beforehand.  It seemed like she was really going to tell him he couldn’t come, but then we saw something rare that confirmed for me the coming success for Jef.  They had an actual conversation.  A real, back and forth, thoughtful conversation where they decided TOGETHER.  It was exactly the thing a real couple would do and the consideration they gave to each other and the points each was making told me that Arie was toast.

When Jef met Ricki, it was obvious they were going to be a family.  They all fit together so well.  I started to feel a little sorry for Emily that she had to spend the day with Arie, but in a Bachelorette first, she didn’t.

Probably the most painful awkward part of the evening came when Emily told Arie (after a deep discussion with Chris Harrison to figure out what to do – right!) that she wouldn’t be able to go on their date because she picked Jef.  However, she was woefully bad at explaining this and Arie just had to infer from her behavior, tears, and small comments that she had more confidence in Jef that he wasn’t the one.  I felt really bad for them both.

Fast forward to the proposal. Can Jef speak or what? That boy has a golden tongue and his words were romantic and confident.  He swayed Emily to say yes even after she was unsure she would actually get engaged again.  If we are to believe them both (and I only halfway do), she didn’t expect the proposal because they hadn’t talked about whether he would do it. Uhuh, right. But I have to say it brought tears to my eyes and I felt like I was watching something real.  When they brought Ricki out after it was obvious that this was a family.

As far as the live show with Chris Harrison? I think it was a bust.  I didn’t care for watching the show with the audience and his questions were dull.  Then we had to sit through a half hour with Arie, who we discovered flew to Charlotte unbeknownst to producers and left his journal from the experience for em to read.  He didn’t go see her out of respect for Jef and she didn’t read it out of respect for Jef.  I think everyone, including Arie realized after watching the show that Emily made the best choice for herself.

There was so little time to hear Emily and Jef.  We had to sit through them watching their own proposal scene again and Chris asking stupid questions like tell us how you feel about Emily.  Chris! I just sat through a whole season about how he felt about Emily! Tell us about wedding and baby plans. Apparently Jef is moving to Charlotte (Did anyone doubt Emily would come out victorious on that point?) and will have his own place until they get married.  Of course a couple who didn’t use the fantasy suite wouldn’t live together before marriage.  Emily says she’d like a spring wedding.

Another thing that disappointed from the live show was the lack of time with Ashley and JP.  They didn’t even get to come to the stage! Here you have a couple that is actually happy, living together and planning their wedding and you don’t give us an update? Arrrghh…at least we did get to see them and their spark is still there and real!

For those people looking to know who the next Bachelor is…rumors still say Roberto.  I’m OK with him but I’d rather have Arie.  I think Sean would end up being another Ben (not in the geeky way b/c Sean is awesome) because of his lack of conversational skills.  The lead in this series has to talk! If you go back and watch any of Sean’s dates he never brought up anything besides he’d be a good husband or dad, his faith, or his family.  Good man but despite how much America loves him now, the wrong choice for Bachelor. Arie on the other hand? Brilliant choice – better than Roberto – but doubt they can pull it off this fast after the word is out that they already signed Roberto.

What a great season! Looking forward to Bachelor Pad, Ed and Reid, and watching Chris B rebound with three different chics! Debauchery!