Waiting…

I hate waiting, but probably not for the reason you would think. Sure, waiting makes me feel impatient and I don’t like the tightness in my chest or the clench of my jaw it brings about, but it’s more than the physical symptoms. I don’t like what waiting does to me mentally. When I am waiting for something, it tends to take over my brain. It sits there in the background, like one of those little red numbers on an iPhone that you try your best to ignore because it’s impossible to clear them all. The thing I’m waiting for begins to color my day. I have trouble staying in the moment and appreciating what’s happening in the now. It takes away my joy in the little things.

Whether I’m waiting for something good or waiting for the other shoe to drop, I get to the point where I just want it to be over. If I’m waiting for something good, it almost becomes something I no longer want, and if it’s bad, I get to the point where I don’t care anymore. I wish that it was easier to be present to each moment without wondering, hoping, or agonizing about things I can’t control. I’ve had some success in the past, times where I have managed to put this imagined but not yet come to fruition future out of my head. I’ve been able to let it go and just go about my business and it’s been wonderful, so I know it’s possible. Just wishing today that it was easier to do.

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